Post by ogrefairy on Jan 17, 2008 15:51:27 GMT -5
I know, I know... new thread. The last one ended happy so I didn't want to ruin it with another rant.
Kay you all know I am beyond stressing... I've got a lot to deal with right now. I think I kind of snapped today. I can't handle it taking me two hours to write something because I am learning with my left hand and it's just way too painful with my right. I have so many projects to do... I'm not doing any of them today. I'm too stressed.
Now you guys know me. I could get over this and move on, no problem. I vent then I'm back to my optimistic self, doing what I have to. Not this time though....
The girl I've mentioned, the one I said I was close to becoming friends with before she moved, came to the school for a visit....
Doesn't sound like a bad thing I know... I am so close to having a nervous break down that I'm having trouble typing this.
Anyways I went into art class and was very surprised to see her there. I though maybe this could be a good thing, you know? She hasn't returned a single e-mail since she moved so I was hoping that I could talk to her and see what happened.........
She gave me that acknowledging look that I've come to recognize. The one that says that she is acknowledging me but she doesn't want to speak to me. That is the look that I have gotten from ever friend I have had in the past two years. She ignored me the rest of the time she was there. That was a very painful hour. >.< She kept her eyes averted away from me and said hi to everyone... even people that she never came to even know but completely avoided me.
What's wrong with me?! Why does everyone do this to me? What did I do wrong? What do I always do wrong?
I was so scared this was going to happen... some of you might recall me talking about it... I was becoming the same thing to her as I am to everyone, a damn journal friend! I can't stand this! Am I too nice? Is that why people take advantage of me? Use me? People will talk to me and I listen... is that so wrong? I have trouble talking to others before I get to know them so I let people talk. They tell me everything. Secrets that they don't want anyone to find out about. Things about their pasts that they are embarrassed about, bad experiences, the works. They tell me everything and I will give advice where I can and try to help. They begin to count on me. After a bit they will tell me everything, good or bad it doesn't matter.... and I listen....
Now this has got to be a curse or somehting because people don't walk up to random other people and tell them things like that... I'm being dead serious though... people just talk to me.
And you wonder why I'm so sensitive... so scared. I'm terrified of getting someone mad at me becasue I can't even hold onto a friend when there is nothing wrong.
I can't hold onto anyone.... I don't think I can do this again... I give up... I can't handle being hurt like this again. It would have been so much better if I had never heard from her again. Then I could continue fooling myself... making excuses.
My two friends from California that I finally gave up on.... well... the only reason they stayed in contact with me that long was because I kept deluding myself... I was the only one to ever contact them. When I fist moved, I sent them gifts and letters and post cards regularly. You know, stuff from Florida and all. Well Since I've been here I received one birthday present form one of them... three months late. They got Christmas and Birthday for both years, besides this past Christmas. The only thing I ever asked of them was to go to my old art teacher and ask him if he still had any of my stuff... I asked as often as I could.... Two years! All I ever got was "Okay I will on Monday." or "Tomorrow" or such. It never happened.
I need to quit deluding myself into thinking that these people care about me any where near as much as I do for them.
None of this applies to you guys. I love you all so much and you know it. I think your the only people I can depend on....
Sorry about all that. And you wonder why I'm so messed up. ^^;
Kay you all know I am beyond stressing... I've got a lot to deal with right now. I think I kind of snapped today. I can't handle it taking me two hours to write something because I am learning with my left hand and it's just way too painful with my right. I have so many projects to do... I'm not doing any of them today. I'm too stressed.
Now you guys know me. I could get over this and move on, no problem. I vent then I'm back to my optimistic self, doing what I have to. Not this time though....
The girl I've mentioned, the one I said I was close to becoming friends with before she moved, came to the school for a visit....
Doesn't sound like a bad thing I know... I am so close to having a nervous break down that I'm having trouble typing this.
Anyways I went into art class and was very surprised to see her there. I though maybe this could be a good thing, you know? She hasn't returned a single e-mail since she moved so I was hoping that I could talk to her and see what happened.........
She gave me that acknowledging look that I've come to recognize. The one that says that she is acknowledging me but she doesn't want to speak to me. That is the look that I have gotten from ever friend I have had in the past two years. She ignored me the rest of the time she was there. That was a very painful hour. >.< She kept her eyes averted away from me and said hi to everyone... even people that she never came to even know but completely avoided me.
What's wrong with me?! Why does everyone do this to me? What did I do wrong? What do I always do wrong?
I was so scared this was going to happen... some of you might recall me talking about it... I was becoming the same thing to her as I am to everyone, a damn journal friend! I can't stand this! Am I too nice? Is that why people take advantage of me? Use me? People will talk to me and I listen... is that so wrong? I have trouble talking to others before I get to know them so I let people talk. They tell me everything. Secrets that they don't want anyone to find out about. Things about their pasts that they are embarrassed about, bad experiences, the works. They tell me everything and I will give advice where I can and try to help. They begin to count on me. After a bit they will tell me everything, good or bad it doesn't matter.... and I listen....
Now this has got to be a curse or somehting because people don't walk up to random other people and tell them things like that... I'm being dead serious though... people just talk to me.
And you wonder why I'm so sensitive... so scared. I'm terrified of getting someone mad at me becasue I can't even hold onto a friend when there is nothing wrong.
I can't hold onto anyone.... I don't think I can do this again... I give up... I can't handle being hurt like this again. It would have been so much better if I had never heard from her again. Then I could continue fooling myself... making excuses.
My two friends from California that I finally gave up on.... well... the only reason they stayed in contact with me that long was because I kept deluding myself... I was the only one to ever contact them. When I fist moved, I sent them gifts and letters and post cards regularly. You know, stuff from Florida and all. Well Since I've been here I received one birthday present form one of them... three months late. They got Christmas and Birthday for both years, besides this past Christmas. The only thing I ever asked of them was to go to my old art teacher and ask him if he still had any of my stuff... I asked as often as I could.... Two years! All I ever got was "Okay I will on Monday." or "Tomorrow" or such. It never happened.
I need to quit deluding myself into thinking that these people care about me any where near as much as I do for them.
None of this applies to you guys. I love you all so much and you know it. I think your the only people I can depend on....
Sorry about all that. And you wonder why I'm so messed up. ^^;