R.I.P. Tyler

[Rehiro]

A good friend of mine, and one of the People of the Pillar passed away yesterday. Tyler died at home, his mother found his body. They wont tell us how he died, except that they dont believe that it was murder. Me and the others were informed this morning at the pillar before school started. There was an announcement to honor his memory. He never saw his 16th birthday.

I'll miss you Tyler.

R.I.P.

[Zolah]

Im sorry Rehiro, I know this sounds a bit mean but i feel more worried for you. its never easy to loose friend. whatever the cause is.
I hope you feel better soon

[deltaT]

Wow, that is so awful! How did he die? Don't answer if you don't want to, it's none of my business. That's so sad. I hope you are dealing with it OK.

I exalted you to make you feel better, but now it just seems so petty....

[Amelius]

I'm so sorry to hear about that, Rehiro. I understand what that is like, losing a friend, especially at such a young age. My sympathy goes to you and the family, I hope you are feeling alright.

[Stonestrike]

...I'm not good with words in these situations but I'm truly sorry to hear that... I hope he lived a happy life.

[Scarecrow]

Requesant en Pace.

Blessed be.

[silverwolf]

That's awful. I can sort of understand your pain, but not nearly as much. I have no words that can express how awful that must feel. Just know that we're here for you, alright?

[Rehiro]

Ah, yes thank you guys. I cant explain what it was like. They got the greatest actor in the school (the drama teacher) to tell us about it. This guy once got me to believe something totally unbelievable in grade nine. At first I thought he was playing some cruel joke.

I stayed almost the entire day in the guidence office with my friends. They ordered us pizza and gave us water (I suspect they got our finger prints from the water, because they were so insistant that we drink and when I finished my first bottle they snatched it up). They had police men and guidence counselers and psychologists.

At first I didnt feel anything. The others got me to play cards with them. It was so annoying how everyone was just acting normal that I had to go out in the hall and pace around the school for awhile.

I decided to go to last period, which by coincidence, we were watching the movie "a beatiful mind" the one with the schizophrenic guy. By the end, I had myself completely convinced that I had made up Tyler, made up his death and was not in the guidence office all day. I had myself completely convinced that I was insane. I've never felt closer to insanity.

I never shed a single tear, and im not sure how sad I feel, to tell the truth. Im just scared and shocked. I've never gone through anything like this before. All the deaths i've witnessed have been pets and family dying of old age.

His mom dosent have anyone else in the entire country. Can you believe how traumatising it must be to find your own son dead?

Its generally believed that he commited suicide. Everyone seems to have noticed that, loud and oppinionated and happy though he seemed. He was quite secretive. He had stopped coming to school so often, and when I asked him where he had been, he dodged my question.

He had convinced his best friend, and another close friend of mine, that when you die, your conscienceness dies with you. So now, his best friend is an incredible wreck. He dosent want to see anyone besides us, and he hid in guidence all day.

Now we have all kinds of special privelidges. Dont have to do tests, get assignments in on time, and we can go to guidance any time we want for as long as we want and be able to expect to talk to someone.

I feel ashamed at how emotionlessly I have taken this, and now I want to fast and go without sleep and do weird things in Tylers name to prove that I care. Those people in guidance say that there are no wrong feelings.

I got interviewed by police. The whole thing is so unbelievable. Im telling you guys, i've never felt so close to insanity as I did today.

[RyokoDragonez]

Rehiro... I am terrible with words in this type of situation... And I have not known you for very long. But I do have a few things to say (please forgive my bluntness... I really am terrible in these situations.)

My deepest symptathy goes to you, your friends, and his mother.

I did not know Tyler at all..but he probably would not want you to starve yourself or go without sleep or punish yourself in any way for what happened. Mourn him, yes. But punish yourself to show you care... is not what any friend would want. The people in guidance are right about the fact that there are no wrong feelings. But you really do need to take care of yourself. For Tyler's sake.

If you must do something to prove you care... continue living the best life you can. Take care of yourself, Rehiro. I think I speak for all of us when I say that we here at CTV care and worry about you. We are here to offer any support we can.

---
Ryoko Dragonez

[Rehiro]

Yeah, but im in the guidance office and im thinking "wow, Tyler knew a lot of hot girls, I could probably take advantage of this situation" and then my other side is all like "NO! You horrible, horrible, horrible, HORRIBLE person".

And I barely feel sad. In my defence, I may just be in the denial stage. I keep feeling like im going to go to the spot tomorrow and hes going to be there, and im going to tell him about all the attention he got on a forum when I told people that he was dead.

But i feel terrible about not feeling terrible so I feel like I have to force myself to feel bad, by torturing myself.

[RyokoDragonez]

You are probably right to say you are in the denial stage. Just give it some time to sink in... Don't torture yourself over this. Your health and well-being are very important and I doubt your friend would want you to torture yourself when you are simply going through the natural progression of grief. Give it time. Let the thoughts surface (yes, even thoughts of "I could take advantage of this". There is a difference between thinking something like that and allowing the feeling to surface.. and actually taking advantage of it.

You've just had a huge shock... no one expected to loose him so young. Give it some time to sink in rather than beating yourself up over being in the denial stage of grief. Give yourself some space. Maybe take a little time off to recover your senses.

(Many apologies if this made no sence. My brain is currently operating under quite a bit of pain. So I may not be completely coherant. I'll check this over and maybe edit it in the morning if it doesn't make sense)

---
Ryoko Dragonez

[DarkfireTaimatsu]

Well, I know about major deaths. My father died of lung cancer when I was six years old (which is why I've resolved never to smoke, yeah?). And, like I said somewhere else, my friend Kyle died in a car crash some three years previous... So, in fact, I'm a little de-sensitised to death, actually. Cold to it... Like, even when Kyle died, I was like "Oh... That sucks." .-. I'm not a big griever. But I do know how it feels to lose someone close t' you.

[silverwolf]

I'm sorry I can't help. If I knew you IRL I'd give you a hug, but here I can't do much except tell you that I've seen a lot of death, and can sort of understand how you feel. I want to be able to give big, important words about death and greif, but I've never experienced it. I've cried, yes, to make my parents feel better, but I've never exprienced real grief. I can't give much.

Sometimes, all I'm good for is listening.

[lysinias]

I have been attempting to figure out something good to say, and have failed. Death is a strange thing, and does strange things to you. Not feeling anything about it is ok. Don't hurt yourself. Please. You'll only hurt those who care for you. It's hard to see someone do that to themselves. I know it's hard, but at least you didn't have to watch him waste away in pain and slowly lose his mind. I still find it hard to get it through my head that the dead are gone. And I feel like they are still there as long as I have my memories. And that's sadly the best I can do here. Death leaves me speechless.

[Rehiro]

Well... it was confirmed today, that he commited suicide. So i not going to put myself through pain. I put myself in his position. If I commited suicide, I wouldnt want to look down upon the people who knew me, and see them hurting themselves in my memory.

Unfortunately, by the time I came to this realization, I had already tried and failed the night of sleeplessness. And I had already gone so long without eating, I thought I might as well go a full day. But now I think that was a stupid reaction. I was just frustrated, because my other friends seem to be not really paying attention to Tylers death. I wanted to show him, if he really is seeing peoples reactions to his death. That someone really did care.

In the morning, I was the only person to show up at the Pillar. I took a permanent marker, and in front of teachers and students, I wrote R.I.P. Tyler P.L.O. in huge letters. The writing looked to be a part of the pillar, and nobody stopped me or took the writing off. I wonder how long they'll keep it up.

I thought it was the least I could do. When I mentioned to one of my friends, that I was going to do it, he took it as a joke, and when another friend saw it. He said I was crazy. When I think of it now. When that guy, that was like, everyones best friend was killed in a car accident, people were carving or writing their respects into desks, but they did it in secret. I openly vandalised the school. Sorry, I dont think im very impressive, im just reflecting.

I have no idea why he would comit suicide. Everything to him seemed a joke. He could be a bit of a jerk. He was oppinionated and seemingly happy all the time. He had normal interests. He was the most ambitous of us, and was often the one to get us to do stuff outside of school. He was the smallest but most aggressive and would pick unprovoked fights with me all the time when it was obvious that he didnt stand a chance. He seemed to live for the moment, and everything he wanted was within reach. I really never saw this happening. At all.

Anyway, now I have basically ultimate power. I can do whatever I like, demand anything and follow it up with "Tylers dead" and i'll get my way. I think im supposed to say a few words at his memorial service. All this seems like a nightmare.

[Scarecrow]

I wish it was...

Poor Tyler... Poor you! Poor familly and friends...

It's natural to be in denial I think it's normal to shut yourself off emotionally... Don't beat your self up about it. It wasn't your fault.

[Rehiro]

I guess... I think that since I wouldnt let myself go into denial like the others would. I let myself go into denial by thinking that I was insane. Im not gonna hurt myself anymore.

You guys rock. This place is the only real place, that i've allowed myself to just vent my anguish at. Thanks for being there for me. Even if your all over the world and dont even know my real name or if im telling the truth. You guys have helped me alot.

[Scarecrow]

*Hugs*

We're here for you.

You're not that horrible a person, from what I've gathered... So just relax!

[Daybreak]

I'm sorry I didn't post here sooner Rehiro, but I really don't have much experience with loss. All I can say is that you seem to be handling this very maturely by not blaming yourself, and that I reccomend large servings of comfort food.

[Rehiro]

Yeah, its funny that when something tragic happens, people will often eat to get rid of the pain. My first instinct was to starve myself.

I remember sitting at the spot one day and saying "my life hasnt been dramatic enough lately, you guys should be more big and dramatic" and Tyler said "YOU be more big and dramatic" and I said "no".

I've been making more dramatic speaches now, then ever before, and the Pillar has never been more impressive or stood out more then now that it has Tylers respects written on it.

He would have to be pretty nuts to kill himself over a little passing comment like that, and I dont think he did. As you said, its natural to try and blame yourself.

I remember talking to Tylers best friend and a close friend of mine about the after life. He, like Tyler believed that there was no after life or anything after death. He told me that this was why you needed to get as much in life done now, while you can. I said that, if everything just ended after you died, it didnt matter how long you lived, or how much difference you made for future generaions, because everyone dies eventually. And then nothing matters. I said that if he could truly convince me that what he said was the truth, I would probably kill myself as soon as I got home.

So this must be especially devistating for him. And I hope my words didnt sink in too deep. He didnt go to school today. He dosent want to talk to anyone about it. I think he feels like he has to think that Tyler is just gone, but he cant really make himself believe that its like he never existed.

Its hard to tell if its better to try and talk, o if its better to respect his wishes and just leave him alone. I think I will let him in on all of my freaky spiritual experiences. Maybe it will give him some kind of hope.

I hope he dosent kill himslef too. There are two people at the pillar who seem pretty shaken and im worrying about. The other one. My second to the pillar, who knows of my crazy experiences, and who once was actively against any belief in spirituality, said that perhaps P.L.O. could also stand for "Please Live On" referring to the after life.

[Rehiro]

Around where I am, it stands for 'Please Leave On'. All the teachers put them on blackboards when they dont want something to be erased. I dont know if they do that anywhere else though.

[Rehiro]

Huh? no, I wrote it. He cant be telling me anything unless he somehow inspired me to do it after his death.

Sorry to unload all of these memories, but they keep coming and I want to tell people. Tyler was the one who convinced me and another to go trick-or-treating. I wasnt going to go, but he talked me into it. I remember that he convinced someone into thinking I was his father.

He was all like "dad? what are you doing?" and I said "what? im not your father" and the guy believed Tyler and gave him candy, but not me.

[lysinias]

Heh. Funny. And don't worry about unloading the memories, they are what Tyler is to you. I would see it as important other people knew something about someone close to me, that I lost. Because we live on in the memories of those who knew us, and in the stories they tell. He seems to have been a good, funny person. Someone who should be remembered.

[Wolfy]

i agree with Lysinias.

[Rehiro]

I learned something rather sad today. Turns out his mother was terminally ill when Tyler comitted suicide. And the few days he was gone, he was actually at a family reunion. But he didnt tell anyone about the reunion, and if his mother died, he would be forced to leave the country, because he had no other living relatives in the country.

I find it rather agrivating that he didnt let his mom die first. Now, the last thing she gets to know before she dies, is that her son comitted suicide. His sister has moved here to support her mom. His mothers taking all this terribly (I dont think anyone can blame her).

I met his mom. I've been over to his house. I cant believe that he had the discourtisy to do this to her.

We get to choose something to honor Tylers memory. I suggested putting a plaque on the pillar. My ultimate sacrifice. To immortilize the pillar in Tylers name instead of mine. But I feel kind af agrivated that he should be rewarded for taking the cowards way out. What he did was not noble or commendable. I dont know if his best friend knows that he commited suicide or not. I've avoided talking about how he died.

We were also talking about planting a tree in his name, putting him in the year book and having a memorial ceremony.

[Rehiro]

He was gone for a few days, then he came back, then he was gone another day, then he was dead.

And if your going to kill yourself, you shouldnt do it so your dying mothers last thoughts are of you commiting suicide.

[fdsice]

that sucks, I have never lost a firend like that but I have come very close to loseing peolpe that where close to me. I agree he should have made that his mom's last memory of him but maybe he just could keep on going know what was going to happen

[silverwolf]

"Suicide is the ultimate selfish act." I don't remember who said it, but they're wise words. Everyone has SOMETHING to live for, and ruining that is awful. I agree that it isn't commendable or noble, but the plaque, the tree, the yearbook, the memorial service...They're not really for him, are they? They're for the people who miss him, whose lives will never be the same. These things are there to make those left behind feel at peace.

[Rehiro]

Well... we had the memorial service yesterday. And in my personal letter that we all wrote to say goodbye to Tyler and that would be sealed with wax and never read, I totaleh criticised him. Just 'cause hes dead dont make him a hero. But I also went into a long winded rant about the influence I thought he made on everyone, which I couldnt finish and had to say my farewells early.

They made me break my friendship with Tyler! They were all like "you can stay for as long as you want, but when you leave, you leave your bond with Tyler and keep his memory" and I was going to stay, and be like "HA! lets see how long you guys can stay" but then people started leaving and I thought that would seem crazy, so I left.

[Shippo_no_Neko]

Wow.... Rehiro.... My deepest sadness for you and your friends... Well... He sounded like he lived a good life with you and your friends at the pillar.

It sounds like you have a lot of good memories with him! I enjoy reading them, and you should keep posting the memories. I think it helps! Well, I'll be here if you ever want to tell someone about something!