Post by Keerott on Mar 14, 2009 23:37:56 GMT -5
I know this is a weird thing to come out of the blue and do, but I feel like expressing myself in a way that other people can see, maybe as a form of release, or maybe I just feel bad enough for myself, I don't know. Some may wonder where the hell I went, I am sure the majority just don't care, I vanished mostly because of my disappointment at myself to no longer hold a character, with constantly changing moods, and thoughts, I found myself unable to actually make a character to stick with, I found that sad. Why? because my characters were me, that meant that I couldn't be me, and somehow my identity is no longer in my head and I had no idea how to shove it back in there....I hate me.
I am damaged, my mind is in a state of constant self-inflicted sufferings and I beat myself up over things so insignificant that I am probably the only person who even noticed them. It is really as if instead of damaging myself physically in my state of depression I instead decided to damage myself mentally, I have slit my brain. I feel too twisted within my mind to even express my thoughts in a coherent fashion and by the time I actually think to say something the time to say it is long gone...insignificance, I make no difference in the world, I contribute about as much to the world as an ant with broken legs contributes to the colony. My thoughts are so twisted and distorted I seem to be the only person on earth who can relate to my own head, but maybe I just don't know enough people to find the person to confide in. It is made especially hard by the fact that I purposefully turn people away because I don't want anyone to know me, yet I realize that many of my problems could probably be fixed with social interaction, I have purposefully made myself a nobody when I want to be the exact opposite.
I may build on this later I don't know, it made me feel a bit better. But, in closing.
I knew someone who thought humans had the capability to live in a utopic society, but I always just thought "If we lived in a utopia, we would all have to think the same, we wouldn't be human anymore. I would rather live with fighting to have different thoughts than to live in perfect harmony as ants. I'd rather be human"
But I guess there is irony in that, because I feel like I have about as much personality as an ant.
I am damaged, my mind is in a state of constant self-inflicted sufferings and I beat myself up over things so insignificant that I am probably the only person who even noticed them. It is really as if instead of damaging myself physically in my state of depression I instead decided to damage myself mentally, I have slit my brain. I feel too twisted within my mind to even express my thoughts in a coherent fashion and by the time I actually think to say something the time to say it is long gone...insignificance, I make no difference in the world, I contribute about as much to the world as an ant with broken legs contributes to the colony. My thoughts are so twisted and distorted I seem to be the only person on earth who can relate to my own head, but maybe I just don't know enough people to find the person to confide in. It is made especially hard by the fact that I purposefully turn people away because I don't want anyone to know me, yet I realize that many of my problems could probably be fixed with social interaction, I have purposefully made myself a nobody when I want to be the exact opposite.
I may build on this later I don't know, it made me feel a bit better. But, in closing.
I knew someone who thought humans had the capability to live in a utopic society, but I always just thought "If we lived in a utopia, we would all have to think the same, we wouldn't be human anymore. I would rather live with fighting to have different thoughts than to live in perfect harmony as ants. I'd rather be human"
But I guess there is irony in that, because I feel like I have about as much personality as an ant.