Post by ogrefairy on May 12, 2008 11:17:31 GMT -5
This is more a giant apology then anything.
I am so sorry to everyone who this has effected.
I feel like I am losing my mind. So much for handling this better then last time, huh? I don't think that I actually got to a point where I wasn't even able to speak to people anymore.
I am totally losing it right now. I need help. A lot of help. I can't even go a few hours without crying or trying not to cry. I feel rediculous and stupid but for some reason I do not remember it being this bad last time. I am completely losing my head here.
It just feels like an intense chemical burning in my knee and it wont stop! I have pain relievers and numbing stuff that I used on my knee before and helped but they are completely useless for this. It hurts so bad and it just seems to be intensifying over time. I'm just awful in the sense that I feel so needy. Like I want someone to just come and make it better. Someone to at least distract me from this but then I am here, pushing my friends away. I can't even hold a conversation with anyone! I'm trying. I really am. You guys are all I have and it makes me feel awful that I am doing this.
School is almost over and I have done barely anything for class for an entire quarter, yet I have to finish all of this in a month with passing grades. I have an AP test tomorrow and it is required at my school that I take it. I don't think I will though. No point really since I haven't even been in class a good chunk of the year.... I have missed 59 days as of today. Each of them medically excused but I am still beyond embarrassed and ashamed with myself.
I'm just this weak little thing. Can't even walk for a few hours without serious injury. I don't like it! I hate the attention. I hate the looks people give me I hate feeling weak all the time! I'm not weak... at least I don't want to be. I hate having no control over a situation yet I have almost no control over my own life.
I know there are people out there that are worse off them me and I don't for one second think that I am better then anyone. Mother always tells me to think of people less fortunate when I am in pain. That doesn't well work. I know I am better off then some and I don't care! It makes me feel worse. Maybe if I was stronger I could help those people that are worse off but I can't even take care of myself! I feel so pathetic and useless! I can't even clean up my own house yet I have to try and take care of all of my bipolar family. I am supposed to be the sane, level headed, responsible one! How can I take care of my family when I am behaving worse then them?! I'm spending my time curled up in a ball and it's not helping! My brother is home from school today becasue this morning when I pulled myself out of bed and got him up, I did not do the responsible thing and stay with him to make sure he got on the bus. It is my fault becasue I am supposed to be taking care of this family. I'm not doing it right. I should be stronger.
Why can't I just do this? I want to take care of everyone. It's what I've always done. I'm not supposed to need someone to take care of me. I do though... I need it bad. I just need someone to hold me for a little while and make me forget the pain. just until it's gone and then I'll be fine again. Once the burning stops it I wont feel much of anything and then I will be okay until I get the surgery. Until then I just need to keep my head and stay calm...er. I can do this. I hope.
I might as well post this one. This is the sixth rant I've written in the past few days. I just didn't post the others. Sorry to anyone who read this but I hope it might make me feel a little better if I actually put it up. I don't know. I could just be losing my mind. >.<
I am so sorry to everyone who this has effected.
I feel like I am losing my mind. So much for handling this better then last time, huh? I don't think that I actually got to a point where I wasn't even able to speak to people anymore.
I am totally losing it right now. I need help. A lot of help. I can't even go a few hours without crying or trying not to cry. I feel rediculous and stupid but for some reason I do not remember it being this bad last time. I am completely losing my head here.
It just feels like an intense chemical burning in my knee and it wont stop! I have pain relievers and numbing stuff that I used on my knee before and helped but they are completely useless for this. It hurts so bad and it just seems to be intensifying over time. I'm just awful in the sense that I feel so needy. Like I want someone to just come and make it better. Someone to at least distract me from this but then I am here, pushing my friends away. I can't even hold a conversation with anyone! I'm trying. I really am. You guys are all I have and it makes me feel awful that I am doing this.
School is almost over and I have done barely anything for class for an entire quarter, yet I have to finish all of this in a month with passing grades. I have an AP test tomorrow and it is required at my school that I take it. I don't think I will though. No point really since I haven't even been in class a good chunk of the year.... I have missed 59 days as of today. Each of them medically excused but I am still beyond embarrassed and ashamed with myself.
I'm just this weak little thing. Can't even walk for a few hours without serious injury. I don't like it! I hate the attention. I hate the looks people give me I hate feeling weak all the time! I'm not weak... at least I don't want to be. I hate having no control over a situation yet I have almost no control over my own life.
I know there are people out there that are worse off them me and I don't for one second think that I am better then anyone. Mother always tells me to think of people less fortunate when I am in pain. That doesn't well work. I know I am better off then some and I don't care! It makes me feel worse. Maybe if I was stronger I could help those people that are worse off but I can't even take care of myself! I feel so pathetic and useless! I can't even clean up my own house yet I have to try and take care of all of my bipolar family. I am supposed to be the sane, level headed, responsible one! How can I take care of my family when I am behaving worse then them?! I'm spending my time curled up in a ball and it's not helping! My brother is home from school today becasue this morning when I pulled myself out of bed and got him up, I did not do the responsible thing and stay with him to make sure he got on the bus. It is my fault becasue I am supposed to be taking care of this family. I'm not doing it right. I should be stronger.
Why can't I just do this? I want to take care of everyone. It's what I've always done. I'm not supposed to need someone to take care of me. I do though... I need it bad. I just need someone to hold me for a little while and make me forget the pain. just until it's gone and then I'll be fine again. Once the burning stops it I wont feel much of anything and then I will be okay until I get the surgery. Until then I just need to keep my head and stay calm...er. I can do this. I hope.
I might as well post this one. This is the sixth rant I've written in the past few days. I just didn't post the others. Sorry to anyone who read this but I hope it might make me feel a little better if I actually put it up. I don't know. I could just be losing my mind. >.<
