Post by Wolfy on Dec 19, 2005 14:29:07 GMT -5
I need some help. I'm writing this book, but my prologue kind of ends funny. I was hoping you guys could read it and suggest ways to fix it.
( I warn you, it's very long)
[glow=red,2,300]-------------------------------------------[/glow]
Prologue
She was racing her twin brother Kiva to the village, wondering what their mother had cooked for supper. Bursting through the trees, she came to a dead stop. Kiva came rushing in behind her and stopped. Panting, hands on his knees, he said "Okay, okay. You win. So what do you want to do tomorrow? Sis?" Looking up, he caught sight of her rigid body and turned towards the village. "My god," he whispered as he surveyed the wreckage. Darting in front of his sister, he grabbed her shoulders. "snap out of it sis. There aren't any bodies, see? The villagers escaped. Look!"
Her eyes lost their dazed look as his words penetrated her mind. Slowly, she lifted her arms and removed Kiva's death grip from her shoulders. "Kiva," she said calmly,"go to Silvanos's temple and see if the villagers are there." Kiva hesitated, not liking the look in his sister's eyes. "But, what will you do?" he asked her. She smiled grimly. "I'm just going to look around a bit," she said lightly. "Be careful," he said," and call me if you need anything."She nodded vaguely, moving down the path. Kiva sighed and went back into the woods towards Silvanos's temple.
When her brother left the devastated village, she ticked of each building as she passed it's foundation. Carefully stepping around the rubble, she slowly made her way towards her house. When she got there, she looked at it without surprise. It toward in the middle of the clearing, completely untouched. Opening the door, she stepped inside. "Mom, Dad? Are you here?" she called out, shutting the door behind her. She entered the living room and stopped in her tracks. Her parents were lying on the floor, covered in blood. "No," she whispered, rushing over to them. Frantically, she felt for a pulse, never noticing the shadow behind her. Suddenly, she felt a knife point touch her back. "You know," a voice whispered in her ear,"when one of your kind is approached from behind, they are completely helpless." The girl froze.
"Don't worry. They're alive... for now. Now, stand up." The girl slowly stood and turned to face him. "An elf?" she said, shocked. "Why would you want to do this? Your breaking a truce that has lasted for thousands of years," she asked, confused. "Orders," the elf replied simply, putting his knife away. "Orders? From who? Who would order an action that would end up destroying us all?" the girl questioned. The elf smirked. "That, my dear, is for me to know and you to find out. Now, why don't you drop that ridiculous mortal guise and show me the real you, hmm?" he said. The girl glared at him and crossed her arms, stubbornly staying in disguise. "Where are the others? What did you do to them?" she asked angrily. The elf thought for a moment, then shrugged. "I don't know, nor do I really care. we were just ordered to make sure your parents didn't escape," he said casually. "My parents? Why my parents? What's so special about them?" the girl asked, shocked. The elf thought for a moment, then said," Not them. You. Your the special one." The girl looked at him in confusion. "What's so special about me?" she asked softly. He pulled out his knife and went over to the window, tossing the knife in the air. "Don't know. We were just told to make sure you came with us, even if we had to go through your parents to do it," the elf said, glancing away from the window. The girl started to say something to him when what he had said sunk in. "We? We who?" she said nervously, looking around. The elf turned away from the window and smiled evilly. "Why don't you see for yourself," he said, gesturing out the window. The girl walked over to the window, keep an eye on the knife the elf was flipping through his fingers. Turning towards the window, she choked back a scream. Hovering in front of it was a huge black dragon, holding her twin in his front paw. Flashing a reptilian grin at her, the dragon flipped around and flew off towards the mountains.
"No," the girl whispered in despair. Her legs collapsed from beneath her and she landed on her knees in front of the window. "Hey, fairy girl, do you want to know where your brother is going?" the elf said lazily, putting his knife away. Dispirited, the girl got to her feet and walked over to the elf with her head hanging down. "Very good. If you stay on your best behavior, your parents will be healed and your brother will be returned to you unharmed. Now take my hand and we'll go to your new home," the elf said soothingly. Hesitantly, the girl put her hand in his. As soon as her hand had closed around his, she twisted his arm and pulled it behind his back. Surprised, the elf fell to one knee. Looking over his shoulder, he was startled to see her eyes blaze with hate. "Now you are going to listen to me. First question: Where is that dragon taking my brother?" she said in a deathly calm voice. When he hesitated, she tightened her grip and twisted his arm higher. " Do hurry," she said sweetly," for I am running out of patience. If you want to keep your arm, you will tell me where my brother is going." The elf swallowed and started to speak," The dragon Blackdeath is taking your brother to the wolf demons in the West, to a young leader named Artu. He will be locked in his wolf form and bound to Artu's will." The girl loosened her grip fractionally. "Okay," she said," second question. What is your name?" The elf scowled darkly. "Tohya," he said sharply. The girl released his arm and stepped back. As he got to his feet, he rubbed his arm and turned to face her just as she dropped her disguise. he watched in amazement as she changed. Looking as if she aged eight years, she went from looking ten to looking eighteen as her black hair grew long and wavy and her eyes went from brown to violet. She grew tall and slender and her brown dress became knee-length and purple. Finally, large iridescent dragonfly wings unfurled from her back. Tohya sneered at her, fingering his knife hilt. "What will you do now, fairy? You don't even know where Artu's is. The only way for you to get your twin back is to join us," he said smugly. The fairy smiled secretly and shook her head. "You're wrong,Tohya," she said simply. "So you won't join us," he asked softly. The girl shook her head. "Then," he said, clutching his knife, "you will die!" In one movement, he grabbed his knife and hurled it at her. Just before it struck, there was a flash of light. When Tohya regained his vision, he was shocked to see the fairy was unharmed. In her hand was the hilt of the dagger, the blade completely melted away. She tossed the now useless weapon away. Gesturing at the dumbstruck elf, she sent him hurling into the wall and bound him there. Turning to her parents, she walked over to their bodies. Inspecting them, she muttered," They are alive, but only just." placing a palm flat on each chest, she concentrated. Soon, her hands, then her parents, began to glow. The blood, wounds, and even the rips on their clothes disappeared. As one, they took a deep breath and opened their eyes. Satisfied that her parents were going to be alright, the young fairy turned to the elf. Glaring up at her, he said," So what will you do now? There will be others coming after you. You can't stop them all." The girl shrugged. "Maybe not," she said, gathering a ball of energy in her hands, " but at least I can make sure you will never bother my family again." The elf paled. " Who are you?" he whispered. "My name is Melody Moonshadow," she said softly. "Goodbye, Tohya," she continued, hitting him with the energy ball. As the light faded from the room, Melody collapsed, her power drained. As she blacked out, she felt her parents picking her up. Then, darkness took over.
( I warn you, it's very long)
[glow=red,2,300]-------------------------------------------[/glow]
Prologue
She was racing her twin brother Kiva to the village, wondering what their mother had cooked for supper. Bursting through the trees, she came to a dead stop. Kiva came rushing in behind her and stopped. Panting, hands on his knees, he said "Okay, okay. You win. So what do you want to do tomorrow? Sis?" Looking up, he caught sight of her rigid body and turned towards the village. "My god," he whispered as he surveyed the wreckage. Darting in front of his sister, he grabbed her shoulders. "snap out of it sis. There aren't any bodies, see? The villagers escaped. Look!"
Her eyes lost their dazed look as his words penetrated her mind. Slowly, she lifted her arms and removed Kiva's death grip from her shoulders. "Kiva," she said calmly,"go to Silvanos's temple and see if the villagers are there." Kiva hesitated, not liking the look in his sister's eyes. "But, what will you do?" he asked her. She smiled grimly. "I'm just going to look around a bit," she said lightly. "Be careful," he said," and call me if you need anything."She nodded vaguely, moving down the path. Kiva sighed and went back into the woods towards Silvanos's temple.
When her brother left the devastated village, she ticked of each building as she passed it's foundation. Carefully stepping around the rubble, she slowly made her way towards her house. When she got there, she looked at it without surprise. It toward in the middle of the clearing, completely untouched. Opening the door, she stepped inside. "Mom, Dad? Are you here?" she called out, shutting the door behind her. She entered the living room and stopped in her tracks. Her parents were lying on the floor, covered in blood. "No," she whispered, rushing over to them. Frantically, she felt for a pulse, never noticing the shadow behind her. Suddenly, she felt a knife point touch her back. "You know," a voice whispered in her ear,"when one of your kind is approached from behind, they are completely helpless." The girl froze.
"Don't worry. They're alive... for now. Now, stand up." The girl slowly stood and turned to face him. "An elf?" she said, shocked. "Why would you want to do this? Your breaking a truce that has lasted for thousands of years," she asked, confused. "Orders," the elf replied simply, putting his knife away. "Orders? From who? Who would order an action that would end up destroying us all?" the girl questioned. The elf smirked. "That, my dear, is for me to know and you to find out. Now, why don't you drop that ridiculous mortal guise and show me the real you, hmm?" he said. The girl glared at him and crossed her arms, stubbornly staying in disguise. "Where are the others? What did you do to them?" she asked angrily. The elf thought for a moment, then shrugged. "I don't know, nor do I really care. we were just ordered to make sure your parents didn't escape," he said casually. "My parents? Why my parents? What's so special about them?" the girl asked, shocked. The elf thought for a moment, then said," Not them. You. Your the special one." The girl looked at him in confusion. "What's so special about me?" she asked softly. He pulled out his knife and went over to the window, tossing the knife in the air. "Don't know. We were just told to make sure you came with us, even if we had to go through your parents to do it," the elf said, glancing away from the window. The girl started to say something to him when what he had said sunk in. "We? We who?" she said nervously, looking around. The elf turned away from the window and smiled evilly. "Why don't you see for yourself," he said, gesturing out the window. The girl walked over to the window, keep an eye on the knife the elf was flipping through his fingers. Turning towards the window, she choked back a scream. Hovering in front of it was a huge black dragon, holding her twin in his front paw. Flashing a reptilian grin at her, the dragon flipped around and flew off towards the mountains.
"No," the girl whispered in despair. Her legs collapsed from beneath her and she landed on her knees in front of the window. "Hey, fairy girl, do you want to know where your brother is going?" the elf said lazily, putting his knife away. Dispirited, the girl got to her feet and walked over to the elf with her head hanging down. "Very good. If you stay on your best behavior, your parents will be healed and your brother will be returned to you unharmed. Now take my hand and we'll go to your new home," the elf said soothingly. Hesitantly, the girl put her hand in his. As soon as her hand had closed around his, she twisted his arm and pulled it behind his back. Surprised, the elf fell to one knee. Looking over his shoulder, he was startled to see her eyes blaze with hate. "Now you are going to listen to me. First question: Where is that dragon taking my brother?" she said in a deathly calm voice. When he hesitated, she tightened her grip and twisted his arm higher. " Do hurry," she said sweetly," for I am running out of patience. If you want to keep your arm, you will tell me where my brother is going." The elf swallowed and started to speak," The dragon Blackdeath is taking your brother to the wolf demons in the West, to a young leader named Artu. He will be locked in his wolf form and bound to Artu's will." The girl loosened her grip fractionally. "Okay," she said," second question. What is your name?" The elf scowled darkly. "Tohya," he said sharply. The girl released his arm and stepped back. As he got to his feet, he rubbed his arm and turned to face her just as she dropped her disguise. he watched in amazement as she changed. Looking as if she aged eight years, she went from looking ten to looking eighteen as her black hair grew long and wavy and her eyes went from brown to violet. She grew tall and slender and her brown dress became knee-length and purple. Finally, large iridescent dragonfly wings unfurled from her back. Tohya sneered at her, fingering his knife hilt. "What will you do now, fairy? You don't even know where Artu's is. The only way for you to get your twin back is to join us," he said smugly. The fairy smiled secretly and shook her head. "You're wrong,Tohya," she said simply. "So you won't join us," he asked softly. The girl shook her head. "Then," he said, clutching his knife, "you will die!" In one movement, he grabbed his knife and hurled it at her. Just before it struck, there was a flash of light. When Tohya regained his vision, he was shocked to see the fairy was unharmed. In her hand was the hilt of the dagger, the blade completely melted away. She tossed the now useless weapon away. Gesturing at the dumbstruck elf, she sent him hurling into the wall and bound him there. Turning to her parents, she walked over to their bodies. Inspecting them, she muttered," They are alive, but only just." placing a palm flat on each chest, she concentrated. Soon, her hands, then her parents, began to glow. The blood, wounds, and even the rips on their clothes disappeared. As one, they took a deep breath and opened their eyes. Satisfied that her parents were going to be alright, the young fairy turned to the elf. Glaring up at her, he said," So what will you do now? There will be others coming after you. You can't stop them all." The girl shrugged. "Maybe not," she said, gathering a ball of energy in her hands, " but at least I can make sure you will never bother my family again." The elf paled. " Who are you?" he whispered. "My name is Melody Moonshadow," she said softly. "Goodbye, Tohya," she continued, hitting him with the energy ball. As the light faded from the room, Melody collapsed, her power drained. As she blacked out, she felt her parents picking her up. Then, darkness took over.